Self-Compassion for People Who Can't Stand Affirmations

If saying "I am enough" in the mirror makes you want to crawl out of your skin, you're not bad at self-compassion. You're just allergic to the version that feels true to you yet.

Oliver Burkeman's The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can't Stand Positive Thinking is written for exactly you. As he put it in an NPR interview, we've "become fixated on the idea that relentless positivity and optimism is exactly the same thing as happiness."

Why forced positivity backfires

In a study by psychologist Joanne Wood, people repeated "I am a lovable person" every time a bell rang. Those with low self-esteem ended up feeling worse. In Burkeman's words, "'Positive thinking' had made them feel worse."

If your inner critic has had years of practice, "I'm amazing!" lands as a lie, and the critic jumps in with counter-evidence. The good news: you don't have to affirm anything. You just have to stop being mean to yourself.

A few ways to be kinder without the cringe

Self-compassion isn't convincing yourself everything is lovely. It's how you treat yourself when it isn't. You can be honest and sceptical of slogans, and still be on your own side.

1. Stop the attack. In Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, Walker teaches thought-stopping: catch the critic mid-sentence and say "Stop." You don't need to believe anything lovely. You just refuse to keep taking the hits.
2. Stop grading yourself. Famous psychologist Albert Ellis recommended, no rating yourself as good or bad, just human.
3. Accept, don't affirm. Swap "I'm pathetic for getting upset" for "I'm human. It makes sense that I got upset." You're not claiming to be wonderful, or letting yourself off the hook. You are just giving yourself a break so you can focus on what's next.

If you find these steps too much to bear, reach out. We can start wherever you are and find what works for you.