Resource Library · Practicing Imperfectionism
How to Overcome Perfectionism
Perfectionism assumes that there is a place/time/way of being in our future where we will finally be okay, loved, valued or ‘enough’. That at the end of the To Do list, safety is waiting.
It isn't. If we hit a goal, we might feel good briefly, but then the goalpost moves.
There will always be things left undone. That may sound dispiriting, but it can be freeing, if you accept it.
Why do we never feel like enough?
Perfectionism is often a refusal to accept that we're human and finite.
In Meditations for Mortals, Oliver Burkeman describes the "efficiency trap": the faster we clear tasks, the more tasks arrive to fill the space. We can never do everything, so the real question is, what will we choose to neglect? We will neglect things either way, so we might as well choose on purpose.
There is a deeper reason that we never feel like enough. We're wired to strive, achieve, and keep moving forward. The goalpost keeps shifting because we're naturally driven to grow, improve, and reach for more. This drive isn't the problem. Wanting to do well, achieve our goals, and take pride in what we do can be healthy and fulfilling.
It's when striving becomes a measure of our worth that things get difficult. When falling short triggers harsh self-criticism, guilt or shame, it can cause distress, and can lead to burnout, anxiety, and/or depression.
What drives perfectionism?
Often it's fear. We believe that if we don’t push ourselves with criticism that we’ll end up a useless bonbon-eating lump on the sofa (or maybe that’s just me).
Fear-based motivation says, If I stop, something bad will happen. Thoughts like I'm always behind drain our energy and exhausts us.
Shift from fear-based to values-based motivation
Ask, what matters most? instead of how do I get it all done? In The Happiness Trap, Russ Harris describes values as directions rather than destinations. You can't finish being a loving partner. You can only keep choosing it.
I have to work hard or I'll end up homeless
becomes
I work because providing for my family matters to me.
Either it’s a complete success or I failed
becomes
I’m striving for excellence because I want to do a great job.
The workday may look the same but it now feels like a choice rather than a threat.
It may seem counterintuitive but we can feel great about ourselves just as we are AND want to do better. Because we're focused on an ongoing process (moving towards what matters) rather than a single outcome (succeeding at a project), falling short of one goal doesn't knock us off course. It's easier to recover and adjust.